invasive

There comes a time when a mind needs a good, old fashioned untangling. When it has been twisted and warped into an unrecognizable jumble it becomes the owner’s responsibility to take the time to unravel the disorder.

A four hour car ride can be an ideal time for such an activity, and I had two this holiday weekend so I took advantage of that.

I have this tendency to consider myself different than the rest of the population. I think we all do this to an extent but this weekend I had several epiphanies regarding life. WHOA I know, that is quite a statement. It actually sounds pompous to me but I can’t really think of a better way to put it–Let me rewind a little bit.

Usually for Thanksgiving my family treks to Texas but this year we kicked it in Pagosa (Colorado) where we have a house. We stuffed ourselves silly, as is protocol, and the next day burned some stuffing off at Wolf Creek.

It was our first day of this ski season–really late I know but it’s been a busy year!– so we took it easy.

I donned some attractive gear

MMMM lumpy hahah can you tell where my tucked in shirts cut off? ;) It was an absolutely PERFECT day though

The rest of the weekend was equally enjoyable: no computer, lots of good food, soaking in the hot springs…you get the picture.

The funny thing about relaxing to that extent is that you are stuck with your own thoughts. As I have likely mentioned before, I try to not think too much generally. I am a chronic over-analyzer and that is a recipe for disaster so I try to keep myself busy at all times. That was probably the biggest problem with Sweden–I had too much free time to think about things that are not healthy to think about so deeply.

My mom and I left on Saturday afternoon so I could make it back for Whitley, Emily and Katelyn’s birthday and see people that came home for the holidays before they left.

So we said so long to our little house (and cleared our sinuses hahah)

changed into hideous–yet comfortable–attire. This is becoming a habit I fear.

packed the essential snacks

and we were off! I popped in the handy ipod to a recently created playlist.

 

WARNING–it gets ridiculously personal here so feel free to skip through

This is where we get back to what I was talking about earlier in the post. I try not to be too personal on this thing because I am, believe it or not, a freakishly private person. I don’t like complaining or crying in front of people, not even my best friend sometimes. I kind of consider being sad a weakness, I guess it comes from my parents in a weird way–not that they did it intentionally but they always taught me that you just deal with whatever life throws at you.

You literally get one day to feel sorry for yourself and then you are back to your life. in some circumstances this is extremely helpful, but in my current one..not so much.

Basically, this mindset led me to I try to head off anything I would feel about breaking up with someone, okay any of you who know me know who it is haha but ill let them remain nameless anyways. I cut my emotions off completely, because that is the practical thing to do, and I left to DC..and then Sweden.

Turns out, running away doesn’t make it go away. Just because you refuse to acknowledge things doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. And that really, really sucks.

Really.

One good thing about being sad though is it provides an excuse to create a playlist of cheesy hate/love songs which makes you feel like someone understands exactly what you are going through. And some songs really hit the nail on the head though I am ashamed that I even have them on my itunes..(Kiss and Tell by Kesha anyone? hahaha and Take a Bow Rhianna? i know they are stupid, but they are seriously helpful)

So when I put my ipod  on shuffle to jam I came across some of these songs and I realized two things.

First- They don’t call it heartbreak because it is fun.

Second- I blame myself for too much, and I’m done with it.

I don’t know how it happened, but everyone has been telling me for months that I haven’t done anything wrong but I continued to blame myself for everything. I realize now that I am consistently WAY too hard on myself and in some situations there is a right and a wrong and that I should not automatically put myself in the wrong just because it is easier to deal with that way.

If it is my fault then I have the power to make it go away.

When I look at my situation objectively, it is so clear. If one of my friends was basically cheated on and lied to over a long period of time, if one of my friends sat around all last year waiting for their boy to call only to be told it was an ‘obligation’ to talk to them, if one of my friends went out of their way to do nice things for their boyfriends without EVER getting a thank you much less a reciprocation, if one of my friends said things that hurt were forgiven and studpideven when they weren’t just to avoid fights, I would tell them that they deserved better.

I would say that anyone who is lied deserves to be mad, even if perpetrator is ‘sorry’. Sometimes being mad involves not wanting to see the liar, sometimes being mad involves dating other people, and neither of those things are things to be sorry about.

So I’m not. I have done nothing wrong. And I am done apologizing for being mad.

Alright. I’m done I swear hahah I just had to get some things sorted out in my brain and writing is the easiest way to do so.

I have admitted that I am not as strong as I thought but I am working on it. At least I have my family and friends to help me through it. I really needed to come home and I am unbelieveably grateful to have everyone that I do.

And best of all I can have kallie-mom date nights in watching Notting Hill and eating Il Vicino.

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One response to “invasive

  1. Love you, my girl, MM

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