Monthly Archives: November 2010

grand

The thing I love about mornings is that  no matter what they entail, you truly never know how the rest of the day will unfold or where the day’s activities will take you.

You can wake up totally cranky and contemplative, write a snarky blog post, have awful traffic, pay WAY too much for parking because its too cold to walk from the free parking locations, and begin to totally write the whole day off as awful only to find yourself watching hey arnold while participating in an impromptu drinking session.

Not to mention seeing a shitty movie with your pals (Due date..don’t see it hah) and molesting a cardboard cut out of a baby pop singer.

The best way to begin a morning though is never topped by kitty snuggling! Even if they are not yours haha

 

HAPPY TUESDAY!!!!


invasive

There comes a time when a mind needs a good, old fashioned untangling. When it has been twisted and warped into an unrecognizable jumble it becomes the owner’s responsibility to take the time to unravel the disorder.

A four hour car ride can be an ideal time for such an activity, and I had two this holiday weekend so I took advantage of that.

I have this tendency to consider myself different than the rest of the population. I think we all do this to an extent but this weekend I had several epiphanies regarding life. WHOA I know, that is quite a statement. It actually sounds pompous to me but I can’t really think of a better way to put it–Let me rewind a little bit.

Usually for Thanksgiving my family treks to Texas but this year we kicked it in Pagosa (Colorado) where we have a house. We stuffed ourselves silly, as is protocol, and the next day burned some stuffing off at Wolf Creek.

It was our first day of this ski season–really late I know but it’s been a busy year!– so we took it easy.

I donned some attractive gear

MMMM lumpy hahah can you tell where my tucked in shirts cut off? ;) It was an absolutely PERFECT day though

The rest of the weekend was equally enjoyable: no computer, lots of good food, soaking in the hot springs…you get the picture.

The funny thing about relaxing to that extent is that you are stuck with your own thoughts. As I have likely mentioned before, I try to not think too much generally. I am a chronic over-analyzer and that is a recipe for disaster so I try to keep myself busy at all times. That was probably the biggest problem with Sweden–I had too much free time to think about things that are not healthy to think about so deeply.

My mom and I left on Saturday afternoon so I could make it back for Whitley, Emily and Katelyn’s birthday and see people that came home for the holidays before they left.

So we said so long to our little house (and cleared our sinuses hahah)

changed into hideous–yet comfortable–attire. This is becoming a habit I fear.

packed the essential snacks

and we were off! I popped in the handy ipod to a recently created playlist.

 

WARNING–it gets ridiculously personal here so feel free to skip through

This is where we get back to what I was talking about earlier in the post. I try not to be too personal on this thing because I am, believe it or not, a freakishly private person. I don’t like complaining or crying in front of people, not even my best friend sometimes. I kind of consider being sad a weakness, I guess it comes from my parents in a weird way–not that they did it intentionally but they always taught me that you just deal with whatever life throws at you.

You literally get one day to feel sorry for yourself and then you are back to your life. in some circumstances this is extremely helpful, but in my current one..not so much.

Basically, this mindset led me to I try to head off anything I would feel about breaking up with someone, okay any of you who know me know who it is haha but ill let them remain nameless anyways. I cut my emotions off completely, because that is the practical thing to do, and I left to DC..and then Sweden.

Turns out, running away doesn’t make it go away. Just because you refuse to acknowledge things doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. And that really, really sucks.

Really.

One good thing about being sad though is it provides an excuse to create a playlist of cheesy hate/love songs which makes you feel like someone understands exactly what you are going through. And some songs really hit the nail on the head though I am ashamed that I even have them on my itunes..(Kiss and Tell by Kesha anyone? hahaha and Take a Bow Rhianna? i know they are stupid, but they are seriously helpful)

So when I put my ipod  on shuffle to jam I came across some of these songs and I realized two things.

First- They don’t call it heartbreak because it is fun.

Second- I blame myself for too much, and I’m done with it.

I don’t know how it happened, but everyone has been telling me for months that I haven’t done anything wrong but I continued to blame myself for everything. I realize now that I am consistently WAY too hard on myself and in some situations there is a right and a wrong and that I should not automatically put myself in the wrong just because it is easier to deal with that way.

If it is my fault then I have the power to make it go away.

When I look at my situation objectively, it is so clear. If one of my friends was basically cheated on and lied to over a long period of time, if one of my friends sat around all last year waiting for their boy to call only to be told it was an ‘obligation’ to talk to them, if one of my friends went out of their way to do nice things for their boyfriends without EVER getting a thank you much less a reciprocation, if one of my friends said things that hurt were forgiven and studpideven when they weren’t just to avoid fights, I would tell them that they deserved better.

I would say that anyone who is lied deserves to be mad, even if perpetrator is ‘sorry’. Sometimes being mad involves not wanting to see the liar, sometimes being mad involves dating other people, and neither of those things are things to be sorry about.

So I’m not. I have done nothing wrong. And I am done apologizing for being mad.

Alright. I’m done I swear hahah I just had to get some things sorted out in my brain and writing is the easiest way to do so.

I have admitted that I am not as strong as I thought but I am working on it. At least I have my family and friends to help me through it. I really needed to come home and I am unbelieveably grateful to have everyone that I do.

And best of all I can have kallie-mom date nights in watching Notting Hill and eating Il Vicino.

dramatic

You know what a rather critical instrument involved in driving is?

A key.

If you would like to be able to drive to places, it is helpful to not lose yours.

Just a little tip for you all.

You are probably assuming that I have had a rough experience involving misplacement of my keys today and you would be right. Today began well, and is shaping up nicely, but there were some bumps in the road.

I was down at campus early today, got my advisement hold taken off, and found out I got a B on my Sociology paper. Under normal circumstances I would be appalled at that grade and would likely have a mini meltdown but considering I went to exactly one class and then learned everything and wrote the paper in one day I’ll take whatever passing grade I can get.

It was beautiful outside so I decided to go on a run and when I was changing in my car like the classy girl I am, no one walked by--always a plus in my book when I manage to not expose myself to strangers.

Then I did a stupid thing. I knew about the whole putting your key through the laces of your shoe trick BUT I failed to remember that you cant just weave it through the front of the laces and call it a day. Turns out you need to string it along one of the laces as well.

I learned this the hard way, and spent my time pondering my stupidity while I attempted to find the AAA 800 number online–which is impossible might I add. My mom eventually found it for me since my AAA card was locked ohsohelpfully in my car, and they sent a locksmith my way as my phone slowly drained of charge.

He unlocked my car, I was able to change my clothes and gather my things, my dad picked up a new key from the dealer, and I walked to meet up with Tessa for the walk over to her house to meet up with people.

The crisis was short lived and minimally dramatic BUT the inconveniences associated with it continue to plague me now. My phone went out when I was at Saggios with the girls while I was attempting to coordinate a place for my dad to pick me up to go home tonight. Attempts to swindle my lovely friends into driving me to Eubank and Central were made, and they did all offer to take my but really its just one of those frustrating circumstances where you have to depend on someone else’s mercy to get you places. (felt like I was in 9th grade again)

NOW, I have my key but my car is down at Jen’s so my dad will have to drop me down there tomorrow and then I will need to drive all the way up to my mom’s to change and pack for Thursday and then all the way back down to campus for work and to hang out with people!

There was a lesson learned from all this though! Don’t go running, ever.

;)

prose

As an English major, I would be disrespecting myself and potential future professors if I didn’t preface this post by professing my admiration and appreciation for classical literature.

Especially in handbag form! Oh man, do I want this!

Did I really just publicly announce my interest in a purse made from a book? Alright, the honors program is officially going to kick me out.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Great Expectations and the Bronte sisters as much as the next literature addict BUT I find when walking past the fiction section of Borders that I have read and/or own a fair amount of the novels displayed.

There really is something to be said for the merit of the ‘snack book’. My reasoning is best understood when equated to television–serious dramas and thematic social commentary pieces are incredibly interesting and important to watch, but every now and then you just need a romantic comedy.

One could argue that you don’t NEED either books or tv technically but I then would punch you in the face and lose the reason for my existence so let’s just not go there. (You don’t NEED to be on the computer that you are reading this from Snarky McSnarkSnark)

So under the assumption that both television and fiction are facets of popular culture that contribute to the society that we inhabit, bear with me. I am always a bit bashful when people ask me what I am reading lately, because my kindle was ohsogenerously filled up with said ‘snack’ reading.

If the television analogy didn’t sit well with you, let me try another approach. You need your fruits and vegetables, but everyone just eats them so they can have dessert after.

Hm.

Yes.

There it is. I like that one. Just forget the tv explanation actually because I am more than a tad biased–tv addict that I am. I have also been surprised by some of the little truths that are hidden within some of these supposed borderline superficial books.

It is a nice surprise to turn the page of

and have it say something like this

followed by something like this

I feel a little bit better about myself when I come across that. It’s like watching the Real Housewives and having one of the stars refuse botox (NOTE: this has yet to happen) or Sex and the City when Carrie just hits the nail on the head and you feel for a moment that maybe the writers of the show secretly hold the truths of the universe and are dispensing it in the little bursts and medium that they think the public can handle.

and and and—quick hurray for run on sentences! I need to go to school. hahah

So on that note, I am steadily chomping my way through my snack literature and am hankering for something with real meat in it. (Suggestions are welcome!) Don’t get me wrong, Her Fearful Symmetry and The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake were nice–but only took me two days to read each one! This also goes for the entire trilogy of the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy.

in summary of this entire post:

I NEED BOOK IDEAS!

crackle

With finals around the corner for everyone, I am fully aware that this is not the time to brag about enjoying having little to no responsibilities at the moment–but that is not going to stop me!

I have always had the tendency to jam pack my life with activities that keep me rushing from place to place at all times, until now! Well, technically until Sweden where I had ABSOLUTELY nothing that I needed to do. So I guess I have to have a little bit of responsibility to keep me grounded.

Yesterday was seriously such a great day, I cannot hold in the boasting. I had coffee and breakfast with one set of parents, then drove in to town and met my mom for coffee and an impromptu shopping session where two of my favorite items were purchased–books and sweater!–then a work meeting, went to jen’s house and cooked, then went to early thanksgiving potluck where at least 6 of my favorite things occurred–including but not limited to eating, drinking, friends watching (the tv show hahah), laughing, etc., then i drove home to my cozy bed and read before falling asleep.

Although I know it will catch up with me this winter break when I am at school from 8:30 am to 9pm for two weeks straight, it is supremely nice that my schedule looks like this

Clearly, less than rigorous.

Considering how little I HAVE to do, it is interesting how busy I have managed to become anyways. I find myself at my computer a surprisingly little amount–facebook creeping down to a minimum ;)

I’ve been eating, baking, etc

Shopping..

On the sale rack of course haha

Andddd decorating in my head BECAUSE I move in with Tessa in about a month!

So excited–it’s my first house and I’m so glad I get to move in with such a good roommate! I have always been lucky with the roommates actually..FLASHBACK! and trevor and mel hahah

“Nothing has happened today, except kindness,” –Gertrude Stein

That is all :)


freaky

UM, yeah. Turns out I’m not truly crazy after all.

alright, maybe a little ;)

not crazy enough to buy this though

It may happen when you first wake up, or while flying on an airplane or driving in your car. Suddenly, inexplicably, something changes. Common objects and familiar situations seem strange, foreign. Like you’ve just arrived on the planet, but don’t know from where. It may pass quickly, or it may linger. You close your eyes and turn inward, but the very thoughts running through your head seem different. The act of thinking itself, the stream of invisible words running through the hollow chamber of your mind, seems strange and unreal. It’s as if you have no self, no ego, no remnant of that inner strength which quietly and automatically enabled you to deal with the world around you, and the world inside you. It may settle over time, into a feeling of “nothingness”, as if you were without emotions, dead. Or the fear of it may blossom into a full-blown panic attack. But when it hits for the first time, you’re convinced that you’re going insane, and wait in a cold sweat to see when and if you finally do go over the edge.

What you don’t know at the moment is that this troubling experience is distinctly human, experienced briefly at some time or another by as much as 70 percent of the population. In its chronic form, popular culture once saw it as part of a nervous breakdown. Some have called it “Alice in Wonderland” disease. Jean Paul Sartre called it “the filth” , William James dubbed it “the sick soul”. It’s been linked philosophically to existentialism, even Buddhism. Yet to its victims, it’s anything but an enlightened state of mind. Welcome to the world of Depersonalization Disorder.

  • a feeling of detachment or estrangement from one’s self . The individual may feel like an automaton or as if he or she is living in a dream or a movie. There may be a sensation of being an outside observer of one’s metal processes, one’s body, or parts of one’s body.
  • Various types of sensory anesthesia, lack of affective response, and a sensation of lacking control of one’s actions, including speech, are often present. The individual with Depersonalization Disorder maintains intact reality testing (e.g., awareness that it is only a feeling and that he or she is not really an automaton) .
  • Persistent or recurrent feelings of being detached from one’s body or mental processes and usually a feeling of being an outside observer of one’s life.

http://www.depersonalization.info/overview.html


strum

“I know”

These are words that are a part of my everyday vocabulary. Alright? I admit it!

I am a chronic know-it-all.

The fact that I am aware of it does not override the fact that it is a defining factor of my existence–it is merely a step in the direction of (hopefully) overcoming it.

I have been afflicted with this terrible quality for who knows how long, but everyone who knows me has likely experienced my snooty attitude at some point. The problem is I generally realize that I am doing it only after a snippy response has escaped my lips.

I would like to work on this because despite popular my own belief, I am actually only an 18 year-old college sophomore that, in fact, does not have all the universe’s answers to life’s questions.

For some reason having someone instruct me or correct me on ANY topic under the sun, even if they clearly know more than me, feels like a shot to the gut. This is not conducive to learning and making progress towards potentially knowing everything because peoples’ advice is, in reality, very helpful!

Another aspect of my life that this know-it-all attitude contaminates is learning new skills. I get frustrated cooking, playing tennis, writing, etc. I tend to go through phases where I will be totally enraptured by some activity but once the learning curve hits I just give up and move onto the next thing.

Guitar is one of these things. I fell in love with it, I dedicated myself to playing for two months, followed by sporadic strumming for two more months before summer hit and all my drive (and time) to practice went out the window.

I finally picked it up again last night, and before I knew it I had re-learned three songs and two hours had passed–funny how that happens, eh?

Anyways, my goal is to play for fifteen mintues at least, 5 days a week and not be so hard on myself when I don’t automatically sound like Jimi Hendrix.

Wish me luck!