“I long, as does every human being, to find myself at home wherever I find myself.”
I feel incredibly mixed up at the moment. I am in a perpetual fog, one in which I am enjoying myself, but at the same time it is rather irritating to be unable to snap out of it.
Since my departure and my clean bill of health I have been attempting to accept my current state as temporary insanity and just enjoy my life despite my mindset being skewed (politically correct way of saying nutso).
I have come to the conclusion that my brain fog could be due to the disappearance of my identity. Who I am is incredibly intertwined with who I try to be for other people, and the people that I choose to surround myself with serve as ‘mirrors’ of sorts that ground me and keep my sense of being in check.
This whole summer I have been without these people, these pillars of assistance and I think my brain is having a hard time scrambling to create the conception of who I am on its own.
I have indefinitely overanalyzed everything that has been going on to an unhealthy extent–I carry that part of me always ;) i suppose– but this theory seems to make the most sense.
There is little conception of where ‘home‘ is for me, which certainly doesnt help. I have many places that I love to be and that I associated as home in many ways but there isn’t really that place that is fully MINE that gives me that comforting sense of relief. I love both my parents’ homes but I dont know, I haven’t fully formulated this thought yet.
I have had alot of time to ponder what exactly I prioritize in a home atmosphere and I have pinpointed certain things that I would like to have included in that place of my own whenever it appears in my life.
For starters a bright, open kitchen with wooden table
Exposed brick wall
Attic room or other rustic style guest room
Hodgepodge of eclectic collectables on display
Relaxing, spacious bedroom
Cozy living room, reading area
Garden, even if in an urban location
I don’t ask for much, eh? Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
Basically it is nice to dream about creating a place of sanctuary, a place where I could escape and feel completely relieved and cut off from the world but able to accommodate my friends and family over when I feel like it.
When I return to Albuquerque I will be living with Tessa (YAY EXCITED) but I don’t know for how long, where I will be going to school next, where I want to live after school, or what I want to do. I am trying to just live in the moment and not worry about it, but it is nagging at me quite a bit.