surreal

You know, when I was studying for my Psych 105 quizzes this semester I never figured I might one day be one of those people who have a disorder. I just couldn’t comprehend that the mind could manifest itself physically–those people were just test subjects and I was just studying from them

They weren’t me.

First inspections by the neurologist cleared me of an obvious brain tumor or anything and seemed to point in the direction of a dissociative disorder called depersonalization. Although that would absolutely make perfect sense considering my current circumstances, I’m still skeptical because if it was truly in my head I feel like I would be able to force myself out of this funk.(they also scheduled me for an MRI just in case they were wrong) I’m thinking now that I might have jam packed my life to avoid thinking about the things I know would hurt me.

I am a self professed control freak but this goes much deeper than I could have ever anticipated. When I look back at this summer there was just no period of rest.

may 12th I moved out of my dorm

may 24th I left for Corvallis

june 1st I was in Portland

june 6th I was in Washington

june 14th I was back home

june 29th I broke up with my boyfriend of almost three years

june 30th I left for D.C.

july 1st-30th I worked for the first time as an intern and was away from home and everything I knew

and now on august 22nd I will be leaving for Sweden for 6 months

Looking at all of that from an objective perspective I can see how someone going through that much would be stressed to the max BUT I haven’t felt stressed or sad at all. It all points to me compartmentalizing my feelings about it to the point where I can no longer function. I am trying to think about it, but for some reason I only get sad attacks sporadically and their effects only last about ten minutes.

The psychologist deemed me a classic case of an anxiety disorder–one where I have pushed my stress level to the point where my brain has just stopped functioning in the same way it used to. So awesome. Officially crazy.

Long story short long I am taking a break from blogging for the next couple of weeks so I can try to get myself together before leaving. I truly am very excited about the opportunity to go to Sweden but I am terrified to leave, much less with an anxiety disorder. I am just going to focus on myself and what I want to do because I spend an awful lot of time compromising myself to make others happy and I guess it has just gotten to me.

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3 responses to “surreal

  1. Kallie,
    Woke up thinking about you, worried of course, and thinking along these very lines. Your writing/emotional honesty/willingness to stare things straight in the face are all extraordinary. So it appears again that the very capacities that might make us brilliantly sane also make us insane. We are all potential objects of study, but not everyone has your courage and talent for observing these objects, including the self, and describing what you find. Bravo. You need this break, but I for one will greatly miss your voice. Feel better. Love.

  2. Kallie,
    After a day on the road yesterday we checked your site this morning and it seems to us you need a Swedish support group right away. The persons who immediately come to mind are Lisa (Martin-Lof, Alexandra Kettis and Jane Cars (wife of Par’s best friend from University days, a retired psychologist and a very helpful person in general, she also has a wonderful daughter). All those live in Stockholm and I will get in touch with them right away.
    Gunilla and Par

  3. Kallie, My Love, Like Kirsten, I woke up this morning wondering about you and your impending departure for Sweden. Probably, Sweden will be less stressful – well, although you are going to be in another new environment, the general pace in Sweden will be slower – you will be in a receiving mode for the first few weeks – listening and learning your ancestral country. Par has sent you really good really good suggestions for support – all sensitive people.
    Also, I think you will find uncle Jan-Paul Strid and aunt Annika good listeners and caring people, and they are right there in the town of Linkoping.
    We love your blog and will miss this contact with your life – perhaps you will miss it too – but let go – nurture your soul – give yourself some slack – be proud of what you have accomplished – and feel secure in knowing you your strength: what you have done you can do again: land in a new place, make friends, scout the neighborhood, write about it, make your mark; and believe in your intelligence, your writing skills and your powers of observation.
    I am so incredibly proud of you and of course, I believe it all comes form me1 right! Love you lots and lots and you will travel with my grandmotherly thoughts and prayers following you as you go.
    Luv, Mormor

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