You know, when I was studying for my Psych 105 quizzes this semester I never figured I might one day be one of those people who have a disorder. I just couldn’t comprehend that the mind could manifest itself physically–those people were just test subjects and I was just studying from them
They weren’t me.
First inspections by the neurologist cleared me of an obvious brain tumor or anything and seemed to point in the direction of a dissociative disorder called depersonalization. Although that would absolutely make perfect sense considering my current circumstances, I’m still skeptical because if it was truly in my head I feel like I would be able to force myself out of this funk.(they also scheduled me for an MRI just in case they were wrong) I’m thinking now that I might have jam packed my life to avoid thinking about the things I know would hurt me.
I am a self professed control freak but this goes much deeper than I could have ever anticipated. When I look back at this summer there was just no period of rest.
may 12th I moved out of my dorm
may 24th I left for Corvallis
june 1st I was in Portland
june 6th I was in Washington
june 14th I was back home
june 29th I broke up with my boyfriend of almost three years
june 30th I left for D.C.
july 1st-30th I worked for the first time as an intern and was away from home and everything I knew
and now on august 22nd I will be leaving for Sweden for 6 months
Looking at all of that from an objective perspective I can see how someone going through that much would be stressed to the max BUT I haven’t felt stressed or sad at all. It all points to me compartmentalizing my feelings about it to the point where I can no longer function. I am trying to think about it, but for some reason I only get sad attacks sporadically and their effects only last about ten minutes.
The psychologist deemed me a classic case of an anxiety disorder–one where I have pushed my stress level to the point where my brain has just stopped functioning in the same way it used to. So awesome. Officially crazy.
Long story short long I am taking a break from blogging for the next couple of weeks so I can try to get myself together before leaving. I truly am very excited about the opportunity to go to Sweden but I am terrified to leave, much less with an anxiety disorder. I am just going to focus on myself and what I want to do because I spend an awful lot of time compromising myself to make others happy and I guess it has just gotten to me.