You know, I hear these are the best years of our lives but I cant help but want to press the fast forward button and see where we all end up. Above even that, I feel stuck in a rut that will not go away for a year at the least, and I am ready to be rid of it.
I truly hate to complain because I recognize my numerous blessings but I just really want to leave New Mexico with every fiber of my being inching towards the northwest. I know it was the right desicion for me to stay this year, and I would have been wracked with guilt if I had gone somewhere more expensive that I wouldnt of been able to appreciate it, but I feel Velcro-ed to this place and I cant wait to be unstuck.
I envy to an unimaginable degree everyone that has left and expanded their horizons, pursued their dreams, left their hometown in effort to be one step closer to achieving something.It makes me physically sick thinking about how I worked so hard in high school so that I could go wherever I wanted to, and I got into the school of my dreams (or close enough to it) and yet here I am…at UNM…the very place i dreaded.
I remember when I got a B on a progress report in 9th grade and I cried myself to sleep at the thought of going to UNM.
Four years later, look where I am. I am fully aware that UNM is a decent school, better than many of the schools people chose to transport themselves to elsewhere, but I can’t help but continually fight the boulder occupying the pit of my stomach screaming at me that I have settled. (quite a phenomenon–a speaking rock)
Settling for this first year is not what bothers me necessarily, what’s one year of essentially free core classes in the grand scheme of things? No, what worries me, what truly twists my insides in excruciating directions is the thought that with each free semester here I become one step closer to settling for longer and potentially never leaving.
It makes me so bitter that there are people who take for granted that they had the opportunity to leave already and I am stuck here for at least another year. And then a year off. and THEN I can finally go the one place I long to be. I feel resentment in every fiber of my being for them and I hate it.
It just seems so unfair that so much effort is required on my part, in addition to the hard work I’ve put into school my whole life. I am terrified that I will give up in the face of such a turbulent journey and I will accidentally hit that fast forward button and wake up twenty years later a cafeteria lady at highland high school.
I deserve better. I am better. I will not settle.