Monthly Archives: January 2010


My guitar to-do list is slowly but surely growing.

Beautiful by Christina Aguilera

Life in Technicolor by Coldplay

Sweetest thing by U2

Umbrella by Rhianna

Wonderwall by Oasis

My happy ending by Avril Lavigne

Just a lil piece of the list. Slowly but surely working my way through it. Barring is SO hard and its required for everything I want to learn so I gotta get that down. It is what helps me get through these days.


I am not on good terms with night time.

Daytime and I are buds: all day I have things to take up my time, distract me from everything that is unhealthy to dwell upon. Night time is different though, it calls out for thinking. The worst is the moment when you get home, everyone is asleep or isolated from you in their respective rooms. You try to read until you cant keep your eyes open any longer to forget the people you miss, and the moments you wish you could bring back, or the emptiness you try so hard to fill.

Sometimes it is easy. You eyelids grow weary and you escape the ever-dreaded insomnia. But other times you are not so lucky, other times are like tonight.

All your problems eat at you from the inside out. Perpetuate attacks of fear and misery simultaneously nauseate you and paralyze your motor skills. Breathing becomes a chore that does not seem worth the effort, and tears do not seem to even begin to encapsulate your feelings.



Have you ever noticed how everything is better when it is overcast? Coffee tastes better, your bed is comfier, your uggs are more appreciated (hahah). I have been so satisfied with the weather lately, its like a little piece of the northwest has been brought to me!

Plus today I have my interview for my semester in Sweden and I am kind of nervous. I am just so excited to go back, I really loved in there :)

UPDATE: just got back from my interview, it went fantastic! It is basically free for me to go study in Sweden and it turns out that anywhere NMSU students can go, I can go! which significantly opens up my options by about 6 more schools!

The only black spot in this whole thing is that the Swedish semester ends on Jan 21st which would overlap with the Oregon and Washington schools that I was looking at using my national exchange for. There is a meeting on February 4th about national exchanges though so I will be able to speak with someone and figure this all out.

Now all there is to do is decide what school I want to go to in Sweden. They all look great but i would prefer one closer to Stockholm so I;m taking that into consideration. I included the links below :)

Click to access ects_information_package_2009_2010_73113.pdf

Click to access bas-eng.pdf


Today a very encouraging thing occurred: A human being acted out of kindness for absolutely no reason.

Intrigued? Let me elaborate:

SCENE An exasperated blonde with a severe procrastination problem rushes into Dane Smith copy center to obtain reading material due in less than an hour, a UNM employee named Mary greets her.

blonde “I need the bound readings for the Holocaust Honors class please.”

mary “Sure, here it is. That will be $9.50.”

blonde (hands over UNM ID card distractedly as line forms behind her)

mary “Sorry, we only take cash or credit”

blonde “AH! i don’t have time to run back to my dorm before class!” (steps aside and frantically calls dad, copies down his credit card information…line continues to grow) “Okay, I have my dad’s card information here, will that work?”

mary “I’m sorry no. We need the credit card”

blonde (clearly prone to overreacting..proceeds to begin meltdown..just a HINT of tears, no screaming yet) “Oh…”

mary (probably noting line of agitated students growing behind frantic blonde) “You know what, you can just pay me back. Let me go get my card”

Woman clearly saves my life with no direct gain as motive! And yes I did run back to my dorm after class and get cash to repay her. But seriously, talk about investing in her karma bank.

Especially in light of the numerous Holocaust documentaries and readings that are currently filling my days (for a class…not for leisure), this kind of action was extremely surprising and surpassed my expectations of sympathy.

MORAL: DO SOMETHING NICE FOR SOMEONE FOR NO REASON. it might just change their life.


Its extremely therapeutic, being busy that is. It allows life to swallow you up in activities, and you forget the triviality of your existence for a moment. Distraction truly is a beautiful thing whereas sitting around watching wife swap and eating hordes of baby carrots is not.

In other news, in my literary questions course we are analyzing the social contract and it has made me think of society in a different way. WHOA what? Im talking about being busy and then through out a word like society into the mix. I know, gotta keep you on your toes. You eight people who read this hahah.

So. Social contract. Its this little thing that allows us as human beings to forgo our natural instincts and give up certain liberties in exchange for security. We were discussing Hobbes’ Leviathan theory in relation to Rousseau’s concept of social theory today and it was interesting evaluating the validity and merit of something that has always been present and defined our lives without us giving it much thought.

Rousseau begins his writings on his perception of the social contract with the words “Man is born free, yet he is everywhere in chains” which is an interesting idea. Now he does go on to basically contradict that statement throughout his book, I think that he might just be mocking Hobbes’ perception of the world and human instinct BUT still when you think about it…it makes sense on some level.

We conform to a societal structure and way of life from the moment we are born, ultimately chained to a predetermined existence. Sometimes I just get the urge to do something highly socially inappropriate, like maniacally laughing in line at the store, or standing up and dancing in my psychology lecture class, or even just saying exactly what I feel or think out loud at any given moment.

Maybe I will do something crazy tomorrow.

Most likely, I will not.

p.s. OBSESSSSSSSED with the bachelor. talk about conformity.


Sooooooo I joined twitter explictly to enable myself to essentially stalk Whole Foods, Britney Spears, and Kate Hudson in one swift click.

I’m grateful for this creation, but unsure of the merit of its existence. Either way, I am enjoying my creeping ways :)


This article really struck home for me because it is something that I believe in strongly and it angers me to the highest extent. I really enjoyed working on this article and am horrified by people’s ignorant comments. Some people disgust me.


My interest in other people’s lives simultaneously troubles and mystifies me.

It is like Christmas morning when I walk by someone’s dorm and can see into it, as if the inside of the room reveals something secretive about their lives that serves to endlessly intrigue me.

That I guess is what makes Facebook appealing to me and all like-minded people. We assume that other people’s lives are more interesting than our own and choose to live vicariously through their constant picture and status updates. Its sad, but true.

Lately, I have been sucked into the world of strangers. People watching has become part of my daily routine. I should get a life.

and yes…this was my dinner tonight. In my defense, I arrived at Smiths starving and in a bad mood from going back and forth to the law school, reporting on budget stuff all day even though I only had one class!


You know, I hear these are the best years of our lives but I cant help but want to press the fast forward button and see where we all end up. Above even that, I feel stuck in a rut that will not go away for a year at the least, and I am ready to be rid of it.

I truly hate to complain because I recognize my numerous blessings but I just really want to leave New Mexico with every fiber of my being inching towards the northwest. I know it was the right desicion for me to stay this year, and I would have been wracked with guilt if I had gone somewhere more expensive that I wouldnt of been able to appreciate it, but I feel Velcro-ed to this place and I cant wait to be unstuck.

I envy to an unimaginable degree everyone that has left and expanded their horizons, pursued their dreams, left their hometown in effort to be one step closer to achieving something.It makes me physically sick thinking about how I worked so hard in high school so that I could go wherever I wanted to, and I got into the school of my dreams (or close enough to it) and yet here I am…at UNM…the very place i dreaded.

I remember when I got a B on a progress report in 9th grade and I cried myself to sleep at the thought of going to UNM.

Four years later, look where I am. I am fully aware that UNM is a decent school, better than many of the schools people chose to transport themselves to elsewhere, but I can’t help but continually fight the boulder occupying the pit of my stomach screaming at me that I have settled. (quite a phenomenon–a speaking rock)

Settling for this first year is not what bothers me necessarily, what’s one year of essentially free core classes in the grand scheme of things? No, what worries me, what truly twists my insides in excruciating directions is the thought that with each free semester here I become one step closer to settling for longer and potentially never leaving.

It makes me so bitter that there are people who take for granted that they had the opportunity to leave already and I am stuck here for at least another year. And then a year off. and THEN I can finally go the one place I long to be. I feel resentment in every fiber of my being for them and I hate it.

It just seems so unfair that so much effort is required on my part, in addition to the hard work I’ve put into school my whole life. I am terrified that I will give up in the face of such a turbulent journey and I will accidentally hit that fast forward button and wake up twenty years later a cafeteria lady at highland high school.

I deserve better. I am better. I will not settle.



Dear God,

Why was I not born an Olsen twin?